world soccer

Best World Cup ever? Three reasons why it wasn’t

The just-concluded World Cup is being hailed as many things — great, the greatest in a while, the greatest ever.

It was certainly unique, as Soccer America’s Paul Kennedy says: an unusually high number of own goals, an unusually low number of red cards and fouls. (Granted, you could attribute the latter to the notion that holding is now basically legal.)

At The Ringer, Ryan O’Hanlon argues that this World Cup was the best in decades because of its unpredictability: “There was something so refreshing and so thrilling about sitting down each morning and not having any clue about what might play out.”

At my former employer USA TODAY, Martin Rogers was impressed: “(T)here was a treasure trove of treats to keep a worldwide audience occupied and wove a gripping narrative over the course of a month and more.”

All good points, as is the lack of scoreless draws, but here’s the counterargument I’d make:

1. Sorry to be Debbie Downer, but now is simply not the time to normalize Russia. 2022 probably won’t be a good time to normalize Qatar, either, unless we get proper investigations of the people who are literally working migrant workers to death and unless Qatar liberalizes its LGBTQ policies (among other things). We’re not going to have a World Cup worth rooting for until 2026. (Maybe not even then, the way things are going in the USA and Mexico right now.)

2. Defense now has the upper hand (literally — again, refs, please blow the whistle when a defender has someone in a bear hug) over possession soccer, resulting in few goals from the run of play. O’Hanlon’s piece at The Ringer actually reinforces that point, showing how France succeeded with a defensive mindset and managed to score four times against Croatia while barely possessing the ball in the final third.

You could argue that’s a fun thing to watch — Mexico’s blistering counterattack was consistently thrilling — but we don’t want soccer to become a sport in which you only need to watch the counters and the set pieces. And seeing Spain flail helplessly against the Russian defense was one of the most frustrating experiences of the World Cup, especially given Point 1 (normalizing Russia / giving Putin more time in the spotlight). Also sad — Harry Kane was brilliant on set pieces but, like his England teammates, simply couldn’t find the net from the run of play.

3. Maybe too much unpredictability isn’t such a good thing. The World Cup is supposed to reward the best teams. When the group-stage chaos left us with a lopsided bracket, a lot of terrific teams (Brazil, Uruguay, Argentina, Mexico) were dismissed from the action all too soon.

We did end up with a worthy champion — and, though Croatia didn’t win a knockout-round game in regulation, a worthy finalist.

The atmosphere was terrific throughout. And this Cup broke so many records that the Guinness site had to create a long roundup to account for them all. But the USA still holds the attendance records:

1994: 3,568,567 total, 68,626 average

2018: 3,031,768 total, 47,371 average

North America will break that record in 2026 — at least the total, given the expansion.

Let’s hope national teams have learned how to score from the run of play by then.

 

 

world soccer

National anthem parodies: England

This series hasn’t taken off as I thought it would, so I’m not going to do all 32 teams.

But we just have to do one more …

 

James Bond and British Rail
Python and Holy Grail
Love Actually

If we can win the Cup
We’ll tear our Brexit up
But we’ll more likely (bleep) it up
Mo-ost def’nitely

 

world soccer

World Cup anthem parody lyrics: Egypt-Uruguay

Schedule reminder and previous anthem parodies (times ET):

Thursday, 11 a.m.: Russia-Saudi Arabia
Friday, 8 a.m.: this one

EGYPT

These melismas are killing me …

Mo Salah, Mo Salah, Mo Saaaa-lah
Likely you’ll be-e-e our leading scorrrr-er

Bob Bradley, Bob Bradley, Bob Bradley
Thanks to you, we’re now better than the ni-ineties 

We inven-n-ted lots of stuff
Saying “thaaank you” wouldn’t hurrrrrt 

Yes we know the Sphinx lost its nose
We’re sorrrrry Napoleon was blamed

The tourists, the tourists, the tourrrr-ists
Count for twee-lve percent of our worrrrk-force

Repeating, repeating, repeeeeeating …
Does this anthem just ha-ave seven worrrrrds?

URUGUAY

(Instrumental fanfare until the 1:08 mark. Sing “Kill the wabbit” where it fits.)

1930 and then 1950!
Yes, we’ve won this thing once and again

(Repeat)

This is really a long brutal anthem
And it goes on and on and on and on

(Repeat, even though the meter really doesn’t fit — the original has the same problem)

Yes, it goes on and on … 

This is really a long brutal anthem
And it goes on and on and on and on

And it goes on and on …
Four minutes more!

(Seriously, this anthem never ends. Most of it is about dying for your country.)

world soccer

World Cup anthem parody lyrics: Russia-Saudi Arabia

I’m probably starting too late in the game to make this work, but here’s the goal — I’m going to provide parody lyrics so you can sing along with each nation’s anthem in the World Cup.

We start with the opening game between two totally democratic and peaceful countries, Russia and Saudi Arabia!

RUSSIA

We’re hosting the World Cup
It’s too late to stop us
You say that we’re despots; we say “yo’ mama!”

Our dear shirtless Putin
(This line is redacted)
At least our great leader knows our anthem’s words!

Hooome-laa-annd, home-land
We sing ou-ur praise here
Almost as good as “The Americans” (singing note: stress that last syllable!)

Thank you for casting Keri
But, Sarah Palin, please shut up
Or we will hack all of your xBox games

Yes we wrote an anthem with changes in meter
That should teach you all to leave our (bleep) alone
Our hooligans fighting in woods south of Moscow
It’s better than flying to Vladivostok

Weeeee gave the world Tchaikovsky
And great writers like Tolstoy
So get the hell off all our freaking backs! 

Yes, it is really cold up here
You try living in permafrost
FIFA won’t let us play all the rest

(Actually, they probably won’t even get that far. But it’s in Russia, so who knows?)

SAUDI ARABIA

(Instrumental intro — note where the singing starts in the clip above)

We are free, assuming you are male …
If you aren’t, could you please wear a veil?

Our biggest fear is the electric car (boo, Elon)
(skipping this line)
Oil is ours!

Desert heat … prepares us for the next World Cup
And remember ’94 — that goal! Owairan!

Guns and planes, we’ve got ’em by the ton
And we’ve even got some Cinnabon

Our biggest fear is the electric car (boo, Elon)
(skipping this line)
Oil is ours!

All our team … plays here in our domestic league
Can we sign somewhere that’s cooler — hey, PSG!

 

soccer

Time to transition to a post-FIFA world? (Or World Cup, anyway?)

The FIFA World Cup bid process long ago descended into farce long ago. BBC’s long-threatened Panorama investigation, released a couple of days before the Big Bid Vote, is stark but not really surprising. We’ve all known for a while that we’re not dealing with angels here.

The program is still worth watching. Andrew Jennings makes it entertaining — too much so, at times. And you can see two amusing highlights:

  1. Doesn’t the FIFA Executive Committee room look like some sort of bunker that should be populated by James Bond supervillains?
  2. A Dutch lawmaker’s accent turns “situation” into “shituation.”

I found Part 2, embedded below, slightly more interesting because it goes beyond the predictable funneling of money and into more worrying questions for nations that are bidding on the Cup. FIFA’s list of requirements is more demanding than Mariah Carey’s backstage rider and less amusing than the Foo Fighters’ version. (Or, if you’re really into hard-core efforts to turn backstage riders into comedy gold, Iggy Pop’s.)

The Dutch, Jennings tells us, now believe they would lose money on the World Cup. Suffice it to say the conversation I had a couple of months ago on World Cup economics seems less relevant given FIFA’s desire to take a hefty share of the reward and no share of the risk.

As the BBC report drew closer to airing, much public fretting was made of whether the report would hinder England’s 2018 bid. What’s curious isn’t that the oddsmakers such as William Hill have now installed Russia has an overwhelming favorite ahead of England but that they also think so little of the USA’s bid for 2022. That link currently has the USA at 9-2 behind Qatar (1-2) and Australia (5-2). These odds haven’t changed in the wake of the FIFA report showing the English and American bids in far better shape than their competitors.

If the oddsmakers are correct, the backlash will be immense. FIFA will undoubtedly give its reasons, but who would doubt that the scandal-ridden panel of bigwigs simply opted for states that don’t have pesky traditions of journalistic scrutiny? Should future bids be limited to autocratic countries only?

We might even have to think the unthinkable: Would soccer be better off without FIFA?

The best precedent for such a move would be in chess, where Garry Kasparov led a breakaway from international body FIDE that lasted more than a decade. The title is more or less unified now, though world No. 1 Magnus Carlsen has thrown up his hands and walked away from a World Championship qualifying process that makes CONCACAF’s World Cup cycle look simple. (The re-election of president Kirsan Ilyumzhinov, who brazenly shut up supporters of reform-minded former world champion Anatoly Karpov, couldn’t have given Carlsen or anyone else much reassurance about FIDE’s commitment to fairness.)

Kasparov and Carlsen, though, have had legitimate claims to be the best of their eras without FIDE’s stamp of approval. That seems more difficult in soccer, particularly when any sort of sanctioned soccer ultimately goes up to the chain to the big boys in Zurich.

National federations can’t do much to challenge FIFA. They’re ultimately the local branches of the international organizer.

Perhaps a more imposing challenge could come from the giant European clubs. If Manchester United, Barcelona, Chelsea, Bayern Munich, AC Milan and company decide to take their ball and go elsewhere, players and fans might be willing to go with them. But the issues that Jennings investigates have little to do with the club game, so the incentive is lacking.

And the USA might have a lot to lose if FIFA’s sanction is devalued. U.S. Soccer and its sanctioned first division, MLS, already face the occasional lawsuit accusing them of misusing “monopoly” powers. Courts have been kind so far, but that’s not because they’re cognizant of the soccer wars of the 1930s and 1980s that destroyed pro soccer in this country.

Reform will most likely have to come from within. That hasn’t seemed plausible in recent months. But that might be because everyone is playing nicely to try to gain favor for their World Cup bids. If the oddsmakers are right, the losing bid nations will have little to lose by speaking up. And we the fans may have plenty to gain if they do.

Addendum: I made it through this whole post and forgot to give a hat tip to The Shin Guardian, which raises a couple of questions that show the uncomfortable position the USA bid is in. Like a cyclist blowing away the field in the drug scandal-ridden Tour de France, the winner of this contest will be asked whether the win was legitimate. Not sure I agree with notion of referring to “the Bradley debacle” as if everyone agrees what that might be, but clearly a lot of dreams will be dashed if the 2022 vote goes elsewhere.