The Ultimate Fighter 17, Episode 12: Award time!

Wow, this is a long Harley-Davidson ad. Oh, wait, the show started. Yeah, one of the fighters gets a motorcycle. Whee.

Chael Sonnen jokes with Kelvin Gastelum that the semifinalist fighter has upgraded his diet from Krispy Kreme to brownies. Man, I miss my 20something metabolism.

Anyway, Gastelum and Josh Sannan both want to win. That’s a relief. Looks like nothing at all happened in the house after the first week or two.

Herb Dean is our ref. We start, we trade, we clinch, and Kelvin gets him down. Josh shows off his active guard, legs fluttering around Kelvin’s torso like wounded butterflies.

Kelvin’s second takedown finds him in better position, and he’s able to land some strikes. Josh scrambles but gives up his back. Kelvin grabs his neck with stunning ease. And so Josh, for all his bluster about being better than just about everyone here, taps out to a rear naked choke in the first round.

Josh is stunned. Kelvin is incoherent.

Next up: Dylan Andrews vs. Uriah Hall. Will Dylan and set up a battle of the last two draft picks? Or Uriah win and make it an all-Sonnen final?

Before the fight, we get more Sonnen hype of Uriah Hall. Uriah Hall can beat anyone in the weight class. Kids will grow up wanting to be Uriah Hall. Dana White will rewrite his will to leave his share of the UFC to Uriah Hall. North Korea will disarm just so Kim Jong-un can get floor seats to see Uriah Hall fight.

Dylan Andrews, meanwhile, is an underdog. He works hard. He wants to win.

Jon Jones builds up Andrews: “This is the finals match. We both know it.” Yeah, let’s keep overlooking Kelvin. That’s worked so well so far.

Fight time, and it’s clear Uriah isn’t overlooking Dylan. The overwhelming favorite is showing the soft-spoken Australian a lot of respect. He tries a couple of spinning kicks but seems a little tentative. Dylan lands a couple of half-decent shots. Neither guy seems the least bit interested in going to the mat, and they both seem intent on matching Rashad Evans’s unofficial record for most feints in one round. Dylan gets through Round 1, though the judges would likely give it to Uriah.

Jones isn’t happy with Dylan. “You threw like five punches that whole round. I don’t know why.”

Round 2: Hall slowly pecks away at Dylan, bloodying his face. Dylan finally decides to get aggressive, swinging with a wild combo and then taking Hall down. Hall passes the ground-game test, grabbing an armlock that looks dangerous. But it doesn’t fluster Dylan too much, and he keeps pounding away at Hall’s ribs. Sonnen keeps yelling, “You got it!” He don’t got it.

But Hall changes position and sets up guard. And he … somehow hits Dylan hard enough that Dylan gives up position and turtles. Hall pounces on Dylan’s back and pounds his ears a bit, but even Steve Mazzagatti is stopping this one.

“From the bottom? From the bottom!” yells Dana White, who says he hasn’t seen that in 13 years.

Hall is emotional. Dylan says his heart hurts more than his face. His face might beg to differ. That, or he needs to see a cardiologist tout suite.

Jones and Sonnen cap off a season of surprising sportsmanship and lead some handshakes between the teams.

Then Sonnen says the most improbable thing in show history. He says Gastelum and Hall were even in practice. OK.

The finalists face off and basically smile at each other. Dana White has to egg them into a true staredown, but they still clown around a bit.

Dana’s very happy and looks forward to seeing most of these guys in the UFC.

So that’s it, and let’s give some awards for a season that has already seen two guys fight in the UFC and will see 11 more in the finale, with Zak Cummings apparently just waiting for an injury to heal:

The Cristiano Marcello Invisibility Cloak Award: Tor Troeng. Seemed to be one of the most intriguing guys coming into the show. Can’t recall seeing him on camera any time other than his fight.

The Tom Lawlor Award for Post-Knockout Humor: Adam Cella, knocked out with such force that the rest of the house that the rest of the house treated Uriah Hall like Ron Decline from that point forward. (Yes, that’s Sen. Al Franken in that clip.) Yet Cella came back to have the funniest conversation ever recorded in a TUF bathroom, and he was a frequent confessional subject the rest of the way.

The Junie Browning House Lunatic Award: No award this season. These guys didn’t fight in the house about much of anything except occasional misunderstandings with Hall.

The Mac Danzig “What Am I Doing Here With Such Lesser Talents?” Award: Josh Samman. But unlike Danzig, he didn’t win.

The Colin Fletcher Quipmaster Award: Gilbert Smith, who got Kevin Casey to throw down in a rap battle.

The Michael Bisping Award for International Arrogance: Luke Barnatt apparently had an opinion on everything.

The Chael Sonnen Positive Coaching Award: Debut award given to its namesake, Chael Sonnen. Who would’ve guessed he’d be the John Wooden of TUF coaches, only with funnier quotes? Can he just retire from fighting and be a permanent coach?

The Danny Downes Recap Award: Also given to its namesake, @dannyboydownes.

See you Saturday for the finale. I have a bad feeling that Miesha Tate might be looking past Cat Zingano, who would be easily be the least experienced coach in TUF history if she should win. (OK, OK — Brock Lesnar, but at least he had won a UFC belt.)

The Ultimate Fighter 17, Episode 8: Much more Mr. Nice Guy

Previously on The Ultimate Fighter: Nothing of interest. Not in the mini-recap, anyway. We’re quickly on to what passes for the theme music this season, a couple of French horn notes while Dana White squints.

Adam Cella thinks no one deserves a contract more than Bubba, based on his sacrifices and work ethic. I think he deserves because he stumbles over his cliches and ends up with something like “ducks in a basket with eggs in a hat.”

Jon Jones touts his last pick, Dylan Andrews, in advance of his fight against Zak Cummings. Of Cummings, Jones says he thinks he’s right-handed. Great scouting.

Andrews grew up with his brothers’ marijuana plants surrounding his bed. While many MMA fans seem to think that’s a cool thing, those brothers have apparently wasted their talents, while he was lucky enough to wander into a gym.

Uriah Hall bonds with Andrews over their fears of fighting. We only know that from Hall’s confessional. In their actual conversation, Hall looks like he’s staring daggers at Andrews. But we have to remind ourselves:

Next we hear that Cummings thinks Andrews is a really nice guy.

Coaches’ challenge time! Each guy is supposed to use heavy equipment to fill a dumpster, move tires and other stuff.

Dana White says this is the first time they’ve had a challenge that wasn’t some sort of sports challenge. Apparently, the Faber-Cruz “take large weapons and blow stuff up” challenge was sports-related.

“My father-in-law owns an excavation company,” Sonnen says. If he had known this would be the challenge, he would have called him.

But we get a thrilling back-and-forth battle. Jones gets the first scoop of dirt, then loses the hang of it. Sonnen races out to a big lead but has trouble with the third tire. Jones reclaims the lead and comes within one bad bounce of winning, leaving the door open for Sonnen.

Everything is going Sonnen’s way this season. Everything. The best we can say for Jones is that he’s taking it well.

Weigh-in goes smoothly. Dylan talks about his family. Sonnen generously says this looks like an even matchup because Dylan may not have stood out in the prelims, but Zak’s KO was a bit of a fluke. Let’s go back and check the draft — Zak Cummings was Sonnen’s third pick.

Herb Dean is the ref. He starts the fight. My closed-captioning tells me Sonnen says, “Need water.” We get 30 seconds of the anticipated strike duel before Zak presses for a takedown. Dylan defends that, but then Zak drops him. Dylan covers up. Zak gets in Dylan’s half-guard and lands elbows. Zak moves to mount but, to the shock of everyone, Dylan sweeps. Dylan gets in Zak’s guard and drips blood on him, but he also gets space for a good ground-and-pound assault.

Zak looks uncomfortable, but he does make things a little tricky by snaking his legs up. Dylan shrugs that off and advances to half-guard, raining elbows while Zak’s face shows the wear and tear of a tough first round. The horn sounds too soon for Dylan.

Round 2: Zak goes for an acrobatic spinning back kick, bringing a smile to Dylan’s face. Zak smiles back, and they touch gloves. A few seconds later, Zak touches his left glove to Zak’s face in a little less friendly manner. He chases a reeling Dylan across the cage, but Dylan recovers to dump him down. Dylan once again has a great position in Zak’s half-guard, with his corner yelling at him not to pass. Zak is trapped against the cage and can do little but defend and try to get Herb Dean to stand them up. Dean issues a couple of warnings, which encourages Zak to tie up Dylan tightly. But Dylan improves his position just a bit and gets some punches in there.

While this is going on, I have a great idea for a workout app. Call it “Herb Dean: Personal Trainer.” It’s a heart monitor. When your heart rate drops below a certain point, Herb says, “Work. Need some work.” When someone designs this, please send me a little portion of the royalties.

Anyway, Zak never figures out a way to get away from the cage. The horn sounds, Zak and Dylan hug, and Dylan raises his arms … in victory? We’ll have to see. Round 2 is definitely his. But Round 1?

Ad break builds the suspense, and …

We come back to see both fighters prepping for a third round. But no! Keith Kizer says that’s it.

Dylan admits he was close to tapping in Round 1 but somehow found another gear. “I went to another place, I don’t know what it is.”

It’s officially a majority decision. Cummings, like everyone else, hopes for a wild-card slot.

Ah, the ever-contentious wild-card discussion. Dana decides to leave it up to the coaches. He says two guys from each side are eligible: Team Sonnen’s Kevin Casey and Zak Cummings, Team Jones’s Clint Hester and Bubba McDaniel.

Sonnen says he’s an easier spot because Kevin clearly deserves it. And he empathizes with Jones having a tough call.

Remember when we all thought Sonnen and Jones were going to have nasty trash-talking sessions? Didn’t happen.

It’s all laughter in Jones’s dressing room as he jokes about being Bubba’s teammate but having a cool dude in Hester. “And he’s black!”

Ultimately, Jones decides to go with the guy who has put in more years. That’s not a bad criterion. Bubba gets the spot, and Hester immediately hugs him.

So it’s Bubba vs. the King. They wanted this fight all along. They’ve got it. The staredown is intense.

Next week: It’s a Thanksgiving dinner. And “one of the most shocking finishes in TUF history.” So the cage is electrified now?